How to poop at work.

  • digitalMedia
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Post 3+ Months Ago

Sorry, I got this in email. I don't usually repost this kind of stuff, but this one gave me a hernia from laughing...

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We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING:
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY:
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE:
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK:
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS:
A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:
This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work? If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH:
A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE:
An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON:
A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELETTE:
A Havana Omelette is a case of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TODD:
An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.
  • grinch2171
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Post 3+ Months Ago

I wish more people in my building would follow these rules.
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Post 3+ Months Ago

What is an Astaire anyway? Last time I checked it was Fred dancing on the ceiling. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7cNMYAeUuxE
  • digitalMedia
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Post 3+ Months Ago

Yeah, I think you need to be careful with that one...especially in Idaho.
  • spork
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Post 3+ Months Ago

I have my own safe haven in the building I work in. We have a basement level that no one ever goes down to, and there's a single, fully-stocked bathroom down there that very few know about. It's fantastic.
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Post 3+ Months Ago

Dangit, dM got to the punch line first!
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Post 3+ Months Ago

I'll never forget the uncomfortable experience i had when i was in the toilets (uni sex) at the hostel i was staying at in Christchurch, New Zealand.

The guy a few cubicles down from me had far too many escapees. He was also an Uncle Todd.
  • LAbrego
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Post 3+ Months Ago

Thanks for the laugh dM, I have been through some of those :lol:
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Post 3+ Months Ago

The only thing that is missing is how to ask your neighbor for toilet paper in cas yours runs out, or what to do if your neighbor asks you for toilet paper.
  • spork
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Post 3+ Months Ago

"I can't spare a square. I don't have a square to spare."
  • joebert
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Post 3+ Months Ago

If you think that's akward, try doing something where you're working on someones house for a few days and you have to use their bathroom.

There's nothing like trying to slip from the bathroom to the exit after a JAILBREAK in a strangers bathroom. Well, unless you have to knock on the door an hour or so later to ask them about something, especially if you couldn't find their fart spray earlier.
  • kc0tma
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Post 3+ Months Ago

That reminds me of that scene in the movi Dumb and Dumber, pretty funny. So carrying a little book of matches in your pocket might be a good thing to add to this survival guide too...
  • righteous_trespasser
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Post 3+ Months Ago

Thanks dM ... that's a good summary right there ...
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Post 3+ Months Ago

Quote:
WATERMELON:
A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELETTE:
A Havana Omelette is a case of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

*cough-tap-tap-cough*
  • joebert
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Post 3+ Months Ago

PETER GRIFFIN:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sY_7dkiOeUw
  • grishamist
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Post 3+ Months Ago

That's a good tip men. Thanks!!!
  • celandine
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Post 3+ Months Ago

hahahahha.... someone should publish a guidebook to be distributed to all office toilets............. :D
  • eautocad
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Post 3+ Months Ago

I like to poop at work, and I'll actually revert my schedule so I do poop at work just to get extra time off the clock. Lmao
  • kc0tma
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Post 3+ Months Ago

I had to poop at work once, and it was a wee bit embarrassing. We have those really old toilets that when you flush them they are really loud and can be heard down the hall, so it was just kind of awkward flushing, then walking back to my office past everyones open doors.
  • Andy Choopa
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Post 3+ Months Ago

Lol nice.
  • Bogey
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Post 3+ Months Ago

My bathroom at Subway is one man's room. Kind of weird when you are working alone (Happens at my Subway... doesn't require for more) and people are waiting for you... because they have a tendency to try the doors to see why I'm not coming to serve them.

A little story here :lol:

One time the toilet's door's lock was broken. It would simply not lock. And during that time, as fate would have it, I had to poop really badly... I couldn't hold it and I had 3 more hours to go until the end of my shift (I was closing then... we close at 10 o'clock) so I went and started recycling.

I was an uncle and an escapee then :D and then... the door opened :oops: Seriously, the guy opened the door ignoring the sign that says "Lock is broken. Please knock!" that I put there at the beginning of my shift... he didn't knock. Well... he quickly closed and being the dumba** he is, he knocked right after he closed.

After that I began taking the glass and toilet cleaner and going to the girls bathroom :lol:

Now, why did I share this story? :scratchhead:
  • kc0tma
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Post 3+ Months Ago

Started recycling...thats hilarious. I've never heard it put that way.

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