Make me laugh

I am always straight facesd i want to laugh any fuuny picks or movies or a joke thaks for your time

TRUE NEWS::::
Detroit, Oregon - A hunter thought he had found a severed human head in an abandoned mining shed and called the police. Deputy Larry Taylor realized it was just the head of a mannequin when he noticed a price sticker on the forehead.

Redondo Beach, California - After a short chase, officer Joseph Fonteno charged the driver of a white Mazda with DUI. The car had been driving down Pacific Coast Highway with the upper half of a traffic light pole laying across its hood. When Fonteno asked the drunk driver about the pole, he responded: "It came with the car when I bought it."

Australia - The Australian Police Journal reported that an elderly woman had already used about half of the powder in a custard packet when she discovered an object that appeared to be a large dead cockroach. However, when she brought it to the Health Department, food analysts determined it to be a dried-up human finger. The following investigation revealed that a factory worker had lost two fingers in a machine with rotating blades. One finger had been found. The other had made its way into the custard packet the woman had bought.

Pochatello, Idaho - In February, 1997 a 46-year-old female elementary school principal was charged with misdemeanor trespass, based on photographs taken by former police dispatcher Richard Clothier. Clothier had taken the pictures in order to find out who had been running onto his property since September, defecating in his front yard on Sundays. In a pre-trial conference the woman admitted in front of several witnesses that she had indeed defecated 21 times on Clothier's lawn, as well as about 5 times on the lawns of his neighbors.

Edmonton, Alberta - The driver of an armored truck appeared to be signaling for help as he repeatedly swung his door open. Six police cruisers chased and stopped the truck, which had been swerving left and right. As it turned out, the driver had simply tried to fan fresh air into the cabin after the other guard had passed gas.

Sacramento, California - An elderly gentleman walked into a police station and reported that he thought he had robbed a Wells Fargo Bank a few days earlier. The police officers didn't take his confession too seriously because he was very old, suffered from obvious physical ailments, carried a white hospital bag, and admitted that he wanted to go back into Kaiser Hospital's psychiatric ward. He also couldn't remember the exact day, time, location of the bank, or the nearest cross street. However, after an intensive interrogation, FBI agents found out that the senior citizen had indeed robbed the bank and was responsible for three other bank robberies.

Antioch, California - A 22-year-old man was arrested after allegedly ordering a stranger to fix his truck at gunpoint.

San Francisco, California - Dan White, a city supervisor, killed Mayor George Moscone and Harvey Milk, another supervisor. White's lawyers said that eating a Twinkie had made his blood sugar level rise so high, it caused his psychotic episode. this resulted in the charges against White being dropped from murder one to involuntary manslaughter.

The couple was dining out when the wife noticed
a familiar face at the bar.

"Elliot," she said, pointing, "do you see that
man drowning bourbon at the bar?" The husband
looked over and nodded. "Well," the woman continued,
"he's been drinking like that for ten years, ever
since I jilted him."

The husband returned to his meal. "Nonsense," he
said, "even that's not worth so much celebrating."


The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.


"I'm going to a lecture." The man said.



"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.



"My wife," said the man.

Hear about the woman who married three different Microsoft employees and still died a virgin?

Her first husband was in Training, and he kept teaching her how to do it herself.

The second one was in Sales, and he kept telling her how good it was going to be in the next release.

The third was in Tech Support, and he kept saying, "Don't worry, it'll be up any minute now..."

Q. What, exactly, is the Internet? A. The Internet is a worldwide network of university, government, business, and private computer systems.

-----

Q. Who runs it?

A. A 13-year-old named Jason.

-----

Q. How can I get on the Internet?

A. The easiest way is to sign up with one of the popular commercial "online" services, such as Prodigy, CompuServe, or America Online, which will give you their program disks for free. Or, if you just leave your house unlocked, they'll sneak in some night and install their programs on your computer when you're sleeping. They really want your business.

-----

Q. What are the benefits of these services?

A. The major benefit is that they all have simple, "user-friendly" interfaces that enable you -- even if you have no previous computer experience -- to provide the online services with the information they need to automatically put monthly charges on your credit card bill forever.

-----

Q. What if I die?

A. They don't care.

-----

Q. Can't I cancel my account?

A. Of course! You can cancel your account at anytime.



Q. How?

A. Nobody has ever been able to find out. Some of us have been trying for years to cancel our online service accounts, but no matter what we do, the charges keep appearing on our bills. We're thinking of entering the Federal Witness Protection Program.

-----

Q. What if I have children?

A. You'll want an anesthetic, because it really hurts.

-----

Q. No, I mean, What if my children also use my Internet account?

A. You should just sign your house and major internal organs over to the online service right now.

-----

Q. Aside from running up charges, what else can I do once I'm connected to an online service?

A. Millions of things! An incredible array of things! No end of things!

-----

Q. Like what?

A. You can ... ummmm ... OK! I have one! You can chat.

-----

Q. Chat?

A. Chat.

-----

Q. I can already chat. I chat with my friends.

A. Yes, but on the Internet, which connects millions of people all over the entire globe, you can chat with total strangers, many of whom are boring and stupid!

-----

Q. Sounds great! How does it work?

A. Well, first you decide which type of area you wish to chat in. Some areas are just for general chatting, and some are for specific interest groups, such as Teens, Poets, Cat Lovers, Religious People, Homosexuals, Gay Teens who Read Religious Poetry to Cats, and of course Guys Having Pointless Arguments About Sports. At any given moment, an area can contain anywhere from two to dozens of people, who use clever fake names such as "ByteMe2" so nobody will know their real identities.

-----

Q. What are their real identities?

A. They represent an incredible range of people, people of all ages, in all kinds of fascinating fields from scientists to singers, from writers to wranglers, from actors to athletes -- you could be talking to almost anybody on the Internet!

-----

Q. Really?

A. No. You're almost always talking to losers and hormone-crazed 13-year-old boys. But they pretend to be writers, wranglers, scientists, singers, etc.

-----

Q. What do people talk about in chat areas?

A. Most chat-area discussions revolve around the fascinating topic of who is entering and leaving the chat area. A secondary, but equally fascinating, topic is where everybody lives. Also, for a change of pace, every now and then the discussion is interrupted by a hormone-crazed 13-year-old boy wishing to talk dirty to women.

where do u get jokes
like that thoes are good

"Actual" dialog of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee:

"Ridge Hall, computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the "C" prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"...Yes, I think so."
"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"...Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"...Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... a power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

Computer Geek Evening Prayer



Every evening as I'm laying here in bed
this tiny little prayer keeps running thru my head.

God bless my mom and dad
And bless my little pup
And look out for my brother
When things aren't looking up

And God, there's one more thing
I wish that you could do
Hope ya don't mind me asking
But please bless my 'puter too??

Now I know that's not normal
To bless a mother board
But just listen a second
While I explain to you , my Lord

You see, that little metal box
Holds more than odds & ends
Inside those small compartments
Rest hundreds of my "Best Friends"

Some it's true I've never seen
And most I've never met
We've never exchanged hugs
Or shared a meal as yet...

I know for sure they like me
by the kindness that they give
And this little scrap of metal
Is how I travel to where they live

By faith is how I know them
Much the same as you
I share in what life brings them
From that our friendship grew

"PLEASE" take an extra minute
From your duties up above
To bless this scrap of metal
That's filled with so much love!
Amen.


Top Ten Signs You Bought A Bad Computer
10) Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.

9) It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.

In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.

7) It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".

6) The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.

5) Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.

4) The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"

3) The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"

2) The only chip inside is a Dorito.

1) You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.

The Top 10 Signs Your Website Was Hacked by Dumb Guys

10) They brag about stealing all the software off your site, http://www.freeware.com.

09) "Feedback on my hacking? E-mail me at the address below."

08) The end of their political message reads, "This hack best viewed with Internet Explorer 4.0 or above."

07) Their lone devious act of "vandalism" was to correct all your spelling errors.

06) The KKK logo they left uses white letters on a white background.

05) Pamela Lee has clothes on now.

04) "pHaNtOm" tried to disable your retail website by using his American Express platinum card to purchase your entire inventory.

03) Someone broke into your credit card database and stole 400,000 middle initials.

02) Hacked into http://www.Playboy.com just to read the articles. and the Number 1 Sign Your Website Was Hacked by Dumb Guys...

01) Calls himself "Dr. Evil" and demands that he will unleash an attack on the entire world and bring the internet to a screeching halt unless he receives "$100, in small bills."


In the beginning, God created the bit. And the bit was a zero; nothing.

On the first day, He toggled the 0 to 1, and the Universe was. (In those
days, bootstrap loaders were simple, and "active low" signals didn't yet
exist.)

On the second day, God's boss wanted a demo, and tried to read the bit.
This being volatile memory, the bit reverted to a 0. And the universe wasn't.
God learned the importance of backups and memory refresh, and spent the
rest of the day ( and his first all-nighter ) reconstructing the universe.

On the third day, the bit cried "Oh, Lord! If you exist, give me a sign!"
And God created rev 2.0 of the bit, even better than the original prototype.
Those in Universe Marketing immediately realized the the "new and
improved" wouldn't do justice to such a grand and glorious creation. And
so it was dubbed the Most Significant Bit, or the Sign bit. Many bits
followed, but only one was so honored.

On the fourth day, God created a simple ALU with 'add' and 'logical shift'
instructions. And the original bit discovered that by performing a
single shift instruction, it could become the Most Significant Bit.
And God realized the importance of computer security.

On the fifth day, God created the first mid-life kicker, rev 2.0 of
the ALU, with wonderful features, and said "Screw that add and shift
stuff. Go forth and multiply." And God saw that it was good.

On the sixth day, God got a bit overconfident, and invented pipelines,
register hazards, optimizing compilers, crosstalk, restartable
instructions, microinterrupts, race conditions, and propagation delays.
Historians have used this to convincingly argue that the sixth day must
have been a Monday.

On the seventh day, an engineering change introduced UNIX into the Universe,
and it hasn't worked right since.
and it hasn't worked right since.
and it hasn't worked right since.

You know you're on-line too much when...

1. You turn off your computer and go watch your Web TV.

2. You see something funny and scream, "LOL, LOL."

3. You meet the mailman at the curb and swear he said YOU'VE GOT MAIL.

4. You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.

5. You fall asleep, but instead of dreams you get IMs.

6. You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have AOL in your car.

7. Tech support calls YOU for help.

8. You beg your friends to get an account so you can "hang out."

9. You get a second phone line just to call out for pizza.

10. You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it.

11. You say "he he he he" or "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.

12. You say "SCROLL UP" when someone asks what it was you said.

13. You sneak away to your computer when everyone goes to sleep.

14. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.

15. You look at an annoying person off line and wish that you had your ignore button handy.

16. You start to experience "withdrawal" after not being online for awhile.

17. You sit on AOL for 6 hours for that certain special person to sign on.

18. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

19.You end your sentences with.....three or more periods.......

20. You've gone to an unstaffed AOL room to give tech support.

21. You think faster than the computer.

22. You enter a room and get greeted by 25 people with {{{hugs}}} and **kisses**.

23. Being called a newbie is a major insult to you.

24. You're on the phone and say BRB.

25. Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood shot eyes.

26. You refer to your teacher as your search engine

27. You tell your girlfriend she had a Hotbot, she Excites you, and when you make love,you scream "YAHOO!".

28. Your parrot says, Polly wants a Hacker!

29. You call your beeper a Hyperlink.

30. Instead of forplay, you ask your spouse if she/he wants to skip the small talk and cyber.

31. Whenever you are asked your address, you give them your URL.

32. Instead of sitting on a chair while on your computer, you sit on a potty.

33. If your love life is ruined by net splits.

34. If you have mastered the fine art of reading fluent typo and consider it your second language.

35. The only Family you send Christmas and Birthday Cards to are the ones who have an email address.

36. Your excuse to your boss for being so lazy... I'm sorry I'm lagging.

37. When you decline a real date with a live person cause your cyber boyfriend (whom you've never met) is waiting online for you.

38. When your acrylic nails are shorter then when you had them put on two weeks ago.

i have so many more but i dont want to take up all your room on here ..lol

Guilty

9. Actually, I got a cellphone to call for pizza.. Everybody I knew was online, otherwise I wouldn't have had a phone at all except for dialing up, heh.

13. Only to check my E-Mail

14. is handy, cuz you know what it's like when you get on the phone talking to somebody about a photo, or you're on with a client, sending a URL on MSN or IRC is so much easier than trying to explain all the dot-dash-backslash.com-slash-~ <--wtf is that symbol anyway?-slash/whatever.jpg over the phone, heh

18. Yeah, well, you know what it's like. Outlook checks a dozen different servers, and downloads over 100 E-Mails. Fire it up, get it downloading while I go turn the coffee maker on

35. Stamps are too expensive

twiztit_momma, what else do you have?

u want more jokes?

31 Signs That Technology Has Taken Over Your Life:


1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write *is* letterhead

. 2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.

3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house -- only computers with laser printers.

4. You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card.

5. You disdain people who use low baud rates.

6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers -- and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.

7. You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.

8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it.

9. You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.

10. You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number," since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.

11. You sign Christmas cards by putting next to your signature.

12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than

13. You back up your data every day.

14. Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you return with a rest for your mouse.

15. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

16. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.

17. The thought that CD could refer to investment finance or music rarely enters your mind.

18. You are able to argue persuasively that Ross Perot's phrase "electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.

19. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. However, you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.

20. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.

21. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.

22. You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a-quarter and three-and-a-half inch sizes.

23. Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow.

24. You own a set of itty-bitty screwdrivers and you actually know where they are.

25. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.

26. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.

27. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.

28. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.

29. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better: the track ball or the track pad.

30. You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a laptop.

31. You email this message to your friends over the net. You'd never get around to showing it to them in person or reading it to them on the phone. In fact, you have probably never met most of these people face-to-face.
50 WAYS TO CONFUSE, WORRY, OR JUST SCARE THE PEOPLE IN THE COMPUTER LAB

1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.

2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the darn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.

4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.

5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with.

6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.

7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.

8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.

9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.

10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.

11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.

12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.

13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.

14. Light candles around your terminal before starting.

15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."

16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.

17. "DISK FIGHT!!!"

18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).

19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.

20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.

21. Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.

22. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 1/2" disc drive, when it doesn't work, get the supervisor.

23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.

24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when it's all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.

25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisely. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.

26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you. Grind some more. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.

27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.

28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.

29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them on top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.

30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.

31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working.

32. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.

33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.

34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.

35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it.

36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.

37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.

38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.

39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.

40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)

41. Stare at the screen of the person next to you, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.

42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.

43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.

44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger.

45. Bring a small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.

46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.

47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.

48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type.

49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week".

50. Two words: Tesla Coil.


Things You Don't Want To Hear From Technical Support

"Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?"

* "That's right, not even McGyver could fix it."

* "So -- what are you wearing?"

* "Duuuuuude! Bummer!"

* "Looks like you're gonna need some new dilithium crystals, Cap'n."

* "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you're with the FTC."

* "We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery."

* "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."

* "Hold on a second... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!"

* "Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics."

* "Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney."

Oooo... maybe technology is taking over my life!!! Do you know anyone that can help? If so, send me their voice number. Or, better yet, have them IM me and I'll e-mail them my on-line calendar so we find the best time to video conference.

Thanks for posting some more.

i hope no one actually trys any of the 50 WAYS TO CONFUSE, WORRY, OR JUST SCARE THE PEOPLE IN THE COMPUTER LAB.

Clean Your Mouse


How to clean your mouse...

This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor.

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit) therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls, should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.

Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method.

Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.
Nerd Season


This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying:

"Nerds Not Allowed -- Enter At Your Own Risk!"

He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him.
"You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?"

"I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I'm hauling."

"Okay, truck drivers are not nerds," he says and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver is totally shocked.

"Why did you do that?"

"Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license."

The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers.They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen!

He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

"What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season," says the truck driver.
"Well, sure," says the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em!"

GM Micro


At a computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr. Welch himself): If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT."

But then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?"

before going off.

10. Occasionally, and for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine

I think I can relate to almost everyone of the "signs that technology has taken over your life" and also the "signs that you are online too much"... Darn it! There I go with the ... again... Lol