So this Priest and a Rabbi walk into a bar....

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Post 3+ Months Ago

Heard any good ones lately... post em here and let have a laugh or two...ill start with a couple of recent ones ive heard..


Quote:
Circular Logic
Two men are in court on drug charges. The judge says, “If, over the weekend, you can persuade enough people to give up drugs, I’ll let you two off.”

Back in court on Monday, the judge asks for their results.

“I persuaded 10 people to give up drugs forever,” the first man says.

“That’s great,” the judge replies. “What did you tell them?”

“I drew two circles; one big, one small. I told them the big circle was their brain before drugs, and the little circle was their brain after drugs.”

The other defendant says, “I got 100 people to give up drugs!”

“One hundred! How?” asks the judge.

“Well, I drew the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and said, ‘This is your asshole before prison…’”



Quote:
A guy walks into a bar with his pet alligator, puts the gator up on the bar, and faces the patrons. "If I open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside, leave ’em there for five minutes, then remove my unit unscathed, will each of you buy me a drink?"

The crowd murmurs its approval, so he gets up on the bar, drops his pants, and places his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator then closes its mouth as the crowd gasps.

After five minutes, the man grabs a beer bottle and raps the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opens its mouth and the man removes his genitals—unscathed, as promised. The crowd cheers, and the first of his free drinks is delivered.

"Anyone else have the guts to give it a try?" the man dares the crowd.

After a few seconds, a blonde woman timidly speaks up. "I’ll do it, but no hitting me on the head with the bottle."

Quote:
A drunk guy walks into a bar, goes over to a woman standing at the jukebox, and grabs her ass.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” the woman screams.

“I’m sorry,” replies the drunk. “I thought you were my wife!”

“Why, you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!” she yells.

“See? You sound just like her.”
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Post 3+ Months Ago

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Post 3+ Months Ago

There is a Smart Blonde, a Dumb Blonde, Santa Clause, and the Easter Bunny sitting at a table with $10,000,000 in the middle, who gets the money ?
The Dumb Blonde because there is no such thing as a Smart Blonde, Santa Clause, or the Easter Bunny.

Q. Why did the Blonde climb the glass wall ?
A. To see whats on the other side.

Q. How do you get a twinkle in a blonde's eye?
A. Shine a flashlight in her ear!

Q. Why is it harder to make a blonde snowman, compared to a brunette snowman?
A. You have to hollow out the head!

Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's mine?"

Q: What is the difference between a pregnant blonde and a lightbulb?
A: You can unscrew a lightbulb.

Q: What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.

Q. How do you know that a blonde has sent you a fax?
A. There's a stamp in the corner of the fax!

Q. Why won't pharmacists hire blondes as secrataries?
A. They keep on breaking those bottles in the typewriter!

Q. How do you get a blonde to laugh on Saturday?
A. Tell her a joke on Tuesday!

Q. What did a blonde get on her SAT test?
A. Nail Polish

Q. What do you call a blonde who lives in Alaska?
A. A Frosted Flake.

Two dumb blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks. The first dumb blond said "These look like deer tracks," and the other one said, "No, they look like moose tracks." They argued and argued for a while and they were still arguing when the train hit them.

Two dumb blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."
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One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all die and go to Heaven. St. Peter's there, and when they get to the gate, St. Peter informs them that there will be a test to get into Heaven: they each have to answer one question. To the teacher, he says, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the Iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?" The teacher thinks for a sec, and then replies:" That would have been the Titanic, right?". St. Peter lets him through the gate. St. Peter turns to the Garbage man, and, figuring that Heaven doesn't REALLY need all the stink that this guy would bring into heaven, decides to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?" The garbage man guesses: "1228" "That happens to be right; go ahead." St. Peter turns to the Lawyer: "Name them."
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Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?" "It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?" "I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says. "What do you mean?" asks the first man. "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

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